Best Laid Plans...

I’ve been feeling quite reflective now that December has arrived, and the year is almost over.

Thinking back to last December, I shake my head and smile at myself wryly – I was feeling so positive and optimistic, and so full of hope for the New Year about to begin – busily setting myself goals, compiling 'vision boards', and writing down a list of the key things I wanted to achieve during 2010. I was so determined that 2010 was going to be ‘my year’. It was going to be the year that I would finally get back on track after a tough few years following the death of my mum - including having to overcome several spanners that had been thrown in my direction ...

Unfortunately though, matters were taken entirely out of my hands after another completely unexpected and sudden bereavement in February. Vision boards, goals and the like were cast aside and forgotten about, as survival, and somehow getting through each day, became the only real concern for the rest of the year, as trauma after trauma rained down on me & my daughter relentlessly...

I am now breathing a big sigh of relief as the end of this ‘annus horribilis’ is now in sight – like a hopeful ray of light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. However, it hasn’t all been bad – we (Iona and I) have literally risen out of the ashes, intact and stronger than ever. I’m so proud of both of us for surviving what has been the worst year of our lives, for several different reasons. We have still managed to laugh and smile, despite the pain and anguish. Every day, we have found something to be thankful for, however small. We have refused to give up, and we have shown that we have more strength, more courage, than we could have ever dreamed was possible.

I have learned that it is possible to feel such pain, such sorrow, such fear, yet such joy and such a feeling of inner peace; all at the same time. It just goes to show how complex feelings are...

I have learned so much this year, and I’m grateful for that – obviously I would rather not have had to go through what I’ve been through, but everything happens for a reason, even if that reason doesn’t become apparent until a long time afterwards....

Anyway; back to today... Earlier today I was walking along by the sea, watching the waves crashing powerfully onto the snow and ice along the promenade. I felt really connected to the strength and force of nature (along with its gentler side). (In common with masculine and feminine energies, perhaps?) Also today, I’ve watched two flocks of geese fly over, and a flock of swans. It got me thinking that life is about survival. Despite adversity. Also, over the past few days I’ve been enjoying watching a little rock pipit coming into my garden to find food during the harsh winter weather. I feel a real sense of kindredness towards it – as if I can relate to what it’s like, trying to survive against the odds... Anyway – back to the sea. As I was walking along, trying to avoid being soaked by the waves, something inside me seemed to connect. Out of nowhere, my inner voice came booming out, loud and clear over the thundering waves...

‘You can achieve whatever you want to achieve!! Ok, this year has been tough, but you can make next year be so much better. You know you can. You’ve survived things you’d never dreamed you’d be able to survive. You have got what it takes. You just need to believe in yourself, be focussed and determined, and you can do it!!! You know you can. Make it happen!!! I am not prepared to go through yet another year of pain and struggle and hardship. You deserve so much better. We deserve so much better. Yes! Next year is going to be a good one! Don’t ever doubt yourself and your ability!!’

It felt so good to give myself a motivating pep talk! It highlights how true Carl Roger’s* philosophy is - that as unique individuals, we ourselves know best what is right for us. *(founder of the Person Centred Counselling approach).

~~~

Tip: Give yourself time to connect with your inner voice – and really listen to what it has to say!!

Quote:

Learn the richness of solitude and quiet. That "still small voice" is yearning to be heard -

Susan Jeffers

~~~

I think I'll end this post with  a quote I have probably included in a previous blog:

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.

by Mary Anne Radmacher

Time and time again, this quote has helped me through this year. It reminds me that however fragile & however afraid I am, I do have the courage to get through - even if the amount of courage I have sometimes feels smaller than a tiny whisper... It's amazing what a difference a few simple words can make!

Ok, well that's all for now...

Let’s make 2011 the best year yet!



Riding on the storm - or trying to....

I'm feeling quite fragile again today - probably because it would have been my mum's birthday... So much has changed since she died... I feel like I've had one loss after another - and every new loss brings back the pain of previous losses. So it's very much a case of going gently today...

I tried writing down how I feel, but I feel such a complex mix of emotions, that I can't seem to capture it accurately on paper... but here goes - this is what I came up with - it doesn't seem to flow very well... but I guess that's how life is - it doesn't always flow smoothly, does it?...

Riding the Storm

Huge foamy white waves

Crash around

In the stormy sea

Echoing the waves

Of emotions

Thrashing around

In me.

But I know the storm won't last.

The waves of turbulence will eventually pass

And I’ll smile once more.
With a strength as strong as
The ocean's
Powerful roar...

Universally Challenged...

Over the years, I've come to realise that 'life is hard', as it says in Peck's book 'The Road Less Travelled'. It's a series of challenges - hard lessons to be learned - along with a few (well quite a lot, actually) nice bits woven in between. The more challenges I have been sent, the more I realise that it's the little everyday occurrences that bring about a real sense of happiness, despite the hard times.

If you read my blog / twitter / facebook pages regularly you probably know me well enough by now to know what makes me happy. But I'll reiterate some of these things anyway, because talking (writing) about happy things makes me happy. So do clouds, rainbows, raindrops, flowers, colours, ukuleles, blankets, wellies, puddles, donkeys, cats, smiles, and lots more... 

But it's those challenging times that I want to write about today. And goodness knows, I've had lots of experience of challenging times - including several bereavements (2 of which were very sudden and traumatic) divorce, house repossession, family problems, conflict, financial problems, and so on...

For some of life's challenges, such as the above, it's a case of accepting that it's going to be a long process, working through the loss or whatever it is, and coping with the vast spectrum of emotions. It's about having faith, courage, hope, patience, persistence, strength, and whatever else you can muster up. However, sometimes it's the small, unexpected little everyday niggles that really take the wind out of my sails...

Take today and yesterday, for example.I had two nasty encounters - one with a neighbour yesterday, and yet another run in with the secretary of the allotment committee today. Both events really upset me and left me in a fragile state for several hours afterwards. 'Why?' I kept asking myself. 'Why am I letting these people get to me so much?' - I'm a peace-loving, quiet, gentle, sensitive type, and I hate confrontations of any kind. It really upset me that I couldn't just put these experiences out of my mind, let go and move on. Then I reflected on the type of people these two individuals are. Aggressive, bullying, cold, narrow minded and insensitive.

Then it dawned on me. Love and compassion are two of the important principles that I integrate into my daily life - intertwined with the reiki ideals. It dawned on me that if I was able to send reiki to the situation, along with love and compassion, it might somehow help. And of course, it did.

I imagined what it must be like to be these two individuals, apparently lacking in love and compassion, and I was able to actually feel empathy for them - and compassion. And I realised that I need to have compassion for myself too, and that I needed to give myself permission to step back and go gently with the flow. After all, I'm still fragile and in the process of coming to terms with one of the bigger challenges of life (several actually), so no wonder the smaller incidents had such an impact on me, Plus, we'd just scattered some of Micky's ashes on Sunday, so my emotions were already quite raw today and yesterday anyway...

Yes; love, compassion, and TLC are what I need right now, and it's my responsibility to make sure I give myself these things...

And so to end this blog, here's an apt quote from the Dalai Lama:

'In dealing with those who are undergoing great suffering, if you feel "burnout" setting in, if you feel demoralized and exhausted, it is best, for the sake of everyone, to withdraw and restore yourself. The point is to have a long-term perspective.'

Autumn days, when the grass is jewelled...

I love this time of year! - The crisp bright mornings, the fiery blazes of colour, the rustling, crunching sounds, the big fat raindrops, the blustery wind, bright scarves and mittens, warm jumpers, candlelight, cosy nights in, the lovely damp earthy smells, mulled wine, baking, berries on trees, bonfires, wellies, puddles - the list could go on and on, but I'll stop now before I get too carried away!

"Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all."

- Stanley Horowitz

Today was especially lovely - the sky was so blue, the air so clean, the sun shining so cheerfully - and everything was so still and serene... I took all the photos in this post this afternoon, around Ouseburn (Newcastle upon Tyne). Here are some more:

river of clouds! ^

^ Ten green bottles ...

owls about that then? ^

'under the bridge' ^

I have always preferred the reflection of the life to life itself  ~ Francois Truffaut

 ^ '...Been caught in the middle...' 

^ 'pinky blue'

^ '... wave goodbye' ...

♥

Bag lady ♥



I love all the different colours in these photos!

 

Graffiti...

I must point out that most of these photos were taken by Iona ~ a link to her blog is at the side, in the 'blogs i read' section

I'm always drawn to graffiti - I really like the brightly coloured pictures that brighten up the edges of cities and suburbs ... sometimes though, it's the words that are really powerful...

The above pictures were taken down a little alley - both walls are covered in writing, & the more we looked at it, the more certain words jumped out. One day when we've got more time, we're going to read the whole lot..

 

 

This (above) was written on a pavement in another part of the city centre. I felt quite sorry for Paul, who was for some reason, on the outside. It reminded me of a poem I wrote a couple of years ago:

 Always ... Or Sometimes?

 Always on the outside

Looking in.

Wanting to be part of it

But not quite fitting in.

Listening, watching

But not sure what to say.

Words don't come easily to me;

It's just my way.

Feeling awkward, self conscious and

Shy.

I feel so different

But I'm not sure 

Why.

I try to accept that we can't all be the same;

But being a loner

Is a lonely game...

                          (Sometimes)...

 

.... I wanted to finish with someting more positive! ^

The Bigger Picture - video...

This follows on from the previous blog - I made this (very amateurish!) video too...

The Bigger Picture ...

I spent a lovely half hour or so this afternoon sitting on some steps watching the sea for a while & I wrote this:

The Bigger Picture

Sitting here,

Gazing out at the ocean,

 Listening to the calling gulls

and the soothing rhythm

Of the rolling waves,

I feel so small

And yet

So big.

Part of the bigger picture

That we are all 

Part of;

However big

Or small

We actually feel...

~~~

We are all bound together in the rich tapestry of life.

Connected as one by the rhythms of life...

  ...