I'm feeling quite fragile again today - probably because it would have been my mum's birthday... So much has changed since she died... I feel like I've had one loss after another - and every new loss brings back the pain of previous losses. So it's very much a case of going gently today...
I tried writing down how I feel, but I feel such a complex mix of emotions, that I can't seem to capture it accurately on paper... but here goes - this is what I came up with - it doesn't seem to flow very well... but I guess that's how life is - it doesn't always flow smoothly, does it?...
Riding the Storm
Huge foamy white waves
Crash around
In the stormy sea
Echoing the waves
Of emotions
Thrashing around
In me.
But I know the storm won't last.
The waves of turbulence will eventually pass
And I’ll smile once more.
With a strength as strong as
The ocean's
Powerful roar...
With a strength as strong as
The ocean's
Powerful roar...
Powerful poem Ali,
ReplyDeleteAnd I love the sketches - they made me smile
David
aw, thank you David - I really appreciate you always commenting - this blog feels a bit lonely at times - your comments always brighten it up!
ReplyDeleteHi Ali - lovely blog post as always.
ReplyDeleteMy mum died 6 years ago and I don't think I've really dealt with it yet. She was not 'close' and found affection difficult. She separated from my Dad, moved away, and re-married, but never really got over the divorce - I was with her through the difficult first part of Dad leaving - quite traumatic for a guy in his mid twenties with very little life experience!
I didn't see her much after she left the area (I had got married)- she dependent on alcohol and telephone calls would be excruciatingly painful for me, to the point where I wished she would not call. I even had a business trip to the area she lived, but couldn't bring myself to visit her.
Then one evening, my brother called to say she'd had a heart attack and died. We went down the next day and met up with her new husband and his daughter - she told us how she often talked fondly on me and my brother and how much she loved us. I find it hard that she could say this to her but not to me!
I feel a lot of anger, but also guilt for not making an effort to do more. I realise that I can't change what has happened, what I did or felt at the time and mt wife has told me that it was her keeping me away and not the other way around - it's all true.
At some point I need to find some time to gather all my thoughts and emotions about the situation and have a 'conversation with her' about it.
Anyway, the point I'm getting to is that reading blogs like yours help me to deal with things and understand that other people deal with issues like mine too. Thank you.
aw, thanks so much for your comment Martin - it must have been diffcult, yet therapeutic to write it... So glad you find my blogs helpful.
ReplyDeleteLoss is such a complex thing to have to deal with, isn't it - especially when it's been a sudden, unexpected death, and when the relationship has had its complexities...
It's been almost 6 years since my mum died, but I still think of her every day. It was so horrible to not be able to have a chance to say goodbye to her - she died in a car crash....
When my ex-husband died this year, again it was a complete shock - his death was alcohol related. He'd had various addictions over the years, and that's what destroyed our marriage. Sadly, when people become dependent on alcohol it tends to ruin relationships... I always hoped that one day he'd be able to overcome his problems, but sadly he couldn't... I feel such a mixture of emotions about it - sadness, I miss him so much, I hope he's at peace now, I have a lot of anger too - why couldn't he sort himself out?? - for Iona's sake, more than anything...
I think the important thing is to, like you say, take the time to gather up all those thoughts and feelings - and to work through them... Which, of course takes time...
Take care, and thanks again, xx