All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
- Havelock Ellis
I thought I'd write a quick little blog on the subject of relationships today - or, more precisely - letting go of certain relationships...
It struck me that in the previous blog - and possibly in some of my other blogs too - that I've mentioned that certain relationships in my family have deteriorated. It struck me that it might seem strange to some people that a counsellor's relationships with family members have gone off-track, so I just thought I'd write a bit more about the process here.
It struck me that in the previous blog - and possibly in some of my other blogs too - that I've mentioned that certain relationships in my family have deteriorated. It struck me that it might seem strange to some people that a counsellor's relationships with family members have gone off-track, so I just thought I'd write a bit more about the process here.
In the process of personal development, self growth, self awareness, counselling, & training to be a counsellor, we tend to examine relationships in our life, and the impact these have had on us. But mainly, we explore the relationship we have with our self. Self discovery is an amazing and enriching journey. Through a long, complex, gentle, soul-searching, at times painful, but overall enlightening process, I have developed a deep awareness and acceptance of myself, and who I am. I have grown to love and respect myself, and I now have a strong feeling of self worth.
Through the counselling / PD process, the desire to become more and more what you are, to become everything that you are capable of becoming, cannot be ignored. One of the beliefs underpinning Person Centred therapy (Carl Rogers) is that for a person to be 'fully functioning', to be on their 'right path', one of the things that is necessary is to have an internal, rather than external 'Locus of Evaluation'. This means that to be happy in oursleves, we need to take note of our internal evaluations; our feelings and intuition (gut instinct), rather than listening too much to what other people say. And rather than seeking approval of others, we need to give ourselves approval.
So, all in all, we start to change as individuals, once we enter the process of self-discovery. We become more authentic. We do things to please our self, rather than others. We realise that we deserve to be treated with respect, compassion and consideration. This starts to impact on our relationships with other people.
Some people will love and embrace the 'new you', whereas others won't undertand. They won't like the fact that you now sometimes say 'no', when you always used to say 'yes'. They might be uncomfortable with the fact that you now voice your opinions, rather than staying quiet, to keep the peace. They might not like the fact that you become more assertive. They might feel threatened by you. People who really matter will celebrate the new you and will be proud of you, but there will always be some who are afraid of change, and who want you to stay as you were.
So a painful part of the process of living authentically is to reach a point where it becomes necessary, for your own peace of mind, to 'let go' of some relationships in life. This doesn't mean that you become bitter and resentful. It means that you realise that you don't have to put up with emotional abuse and blackmail just becuase 'he's your dad and he loves you, so you have to make peace with him'. Just like an abused woman shouldn't be told to stay because 'he's your husband and he loves you'.
I've reached a point where I can no longer accept being judged, put down, being treated disrespectfully, being emotionally abused, criticised, treated unfairly, etc, etc. Also, I think it's an important lesson to teach my daughter. Far too many people end up in abusive relationships becuase they're following the patterns set by others.
I understand that just because I've changed, it doesn't mean that everyone else should accept the changes in me. I realise that some people are uncomfortable with the new me. So, rather than clinging onto realtionships that make me unhappy, I've decided to let go, with love and compassion; with understanding and acceptance. I hope it won't always be like this - I have faith in human's potential to grow and learn, so maybe one day relationships can be rebuilt. But, for now, I feel liberated and free from the debilitating patterns of old behaviours. It's vital to move on. But painful - I won't deny that. But pain is part of life.
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Kahlil Gibran
Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.
- Raymond Lindquist
Anyway, I hope all this has made sense, and has maybe been helpful in some way!
Makes all sorts of sense to me Ali.
ReplyDeleteAnd in the process of growing and learning we discover the true friends who love us just because we are us - a truely enriching experience.
With love
David
Very intersting blog! Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteMy question would be how do draw the line on looking after your own needs and becoming selfish?
Kind Regards
G
Thank you, as aways, David :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you G - that's an interesting question, and one that is often asked.
Unfortunately, many of us are brought up to believe that putting ourself first is selfish. Therefore, we live and act acording to someone else's values rather than our own; whereas unconditional love encourages us to be more authentic and true to ourselves.
In opening your heart to yourself, you open it to others too, so if anything, you have more to give others, rather than less.
In nurturing yourself, and having a good relationship with yourself, it follows that you also build up good relationships with those that matter to you. In letting go of those that hold you back, you have more to give those that are important to you.
It's about setting limits or boundaries, and achieving a healthy balance. A balance between having 'me-time', but having time for others too. You follow your gut feeling, which will guide you as to what feels like the right balance. You choose to spend time with other people because you want to, rather than because you feel you have to, or 'should'.
We are naturally social beings. We need interaction with others, otherwise we may become withdrawn, or feel isolated and lonely, so I think we have a natural tendency to invest time into our relationships with other people.
In looking after our own needs first, we are better able to be there for others, and we are setting others a good example. Self-care is vital.
In healthy relationships love is unconditional - there are no expectations. Each individual takes responsibilty for themselves, and allows the other the space to grow as individuals.
It's also worth thinking about who gives a person the label 'selfish'. What lies behind it? Guilt? (self) or Jealousy? Insecurity? Control? Selfishness? (others)
I think rather than it being selfish, it's more a case of self-responsibilty...
I hope this has somehow answered your question - I seem to have rambled on quite a bit.
A final point is that being mindful, having a heightened sense of awareness, means that you are more tuned in to yourself and others, so you notice straight away if something doesn't feel right, and you can reflect upon this and talk about it to resolve any misunderstandings or resentments that may arise.
hope this helps!
Thank you very much Ali, you have definitely answered my question. You have also given me plenty of food for thought here. And you have opened my eyes a great deal in your response. I think I have quite a bit of work to do in this area but awareness is probably half the battle. And maybe just observing myself in the coming weeks will be interesting.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I found your blog, your writing facinates me. :)
Kind Regards
G
aw, thank you so much - so glad to have helped.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that you will get a lot out of the fascinating journey that is self-discovery! Good luck. Feel free to ask any more questions that crop up, and/or share your discoveries!
All the best! :)