Some of you might have heard me talking about anger on BBC Radio Newcastle last week. As this is something many people struggle with, I thought I'd do a little blog about it...
Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But
to be angry with the right person, to the right
degree, at the right time, for the right purpose
and in the right way... that is not easy.
-- Aristotle
Anger is a natural, healthy and normal human emotion. It is ok to get angry. It's how we deal with it and express it that's important. Anger is often badly managed and can be destructive when it is out of control. It's when it gets out of control and happens regularly and becomes aggressive that it has become a problem. On the other hand, if anger isn’t expressed it can lead to physical problems, depression and anxiety. There is a fine line between acknowledging anger and venting it until it is out of control.
• Explosive outbursts that cannot be controlled
• Rages when driving or at work
• Domestic violence and controlling behaviour
• Depression or anxiety may indicate introverted anger
• Alcohol or drug dependence may cover an anger problem
Triggers
Some of the things that contribute towards problems with anger include bottling things up, and not dealing with them, until boiling point is reached and one seemingly trivial incident can be the final straw, resulting in an explosion of anger. The use of alcohol, caffeine and certain drugs can also contribute, as can tiredness, stress, pain, hormones, bad time management and over-committing to too many things.
It is thought that some of the main reasons why we become angry involve:
- Feeling threatened, hurt and/or under attack through verbal or physical abuse, or
- Someone / something preventing you from doing something you’d planned / hoped to do/achieve, or
- Someone violating your beliefs / morals; for example by being unfair / dishonest, or
- Being in a situation where you feel helpless – things are out of your control – it seems that you can’t do anything about it. E.g. – being stuck in traffic, etc.
How to handle anger
It is important to remember that we always have a choice about how to deal with our anger.
We can try to choose to respond (think first) rather than react.
It is also important to accept that we are angry- ‘I’m angry; that’s ok’; rather than deny it; ‘I’m NOT angry!!’...
We also have the choice whether to keep our cool, or lose it.
We can be passive, aggressive or assertive in dealing with our anger.
• Passive – in being passive, we don’t really deal with the anger. It is bottled up and can turn inwards into depression or resentment, or can build up until we reach boiling point eventually.
• Aggressive – in being aggressive, we can become confrontational, violent and defensive and we aren’t really dealing with the anger effectively.
• Assertive – this is a responsible way of dealing with the anger. We acknowledge our anger and deal with it effectively: ‘I’m angry. I’m going to take some time out and will discuss it later when I feel calmer’.
Above all, in getting to know and understand ourselves better, we are more in tune with how we’re feeling from moment to moment, so we can deal with our anger effectively before it becomes a problem.
Top tips:
Anger can be a sign that it’s time to relax and cope better. If you are trying to deal with your anger in a more responsible way then the following check list may help you bring about some changes.
• Awareness: Get to know your warning signals. There may be obvious signs such as a rapid heart rate, headaches, tension and the urge to act impulsively. It may be that more passive symptoms arise, such as defensiveness, withdrawal, silence. You may notice yourself snapping at people and over-reacting.
• If you feel yourself getting angry, take a deep breath, relax, pause, and think! It is possible to feel angry and not to act on those feelings.
• Develop good communication skills - this is one of the most important things you can do. Talk about it. Admit that you’re angry - to yourself and others.
• Assertiveness – learn to say ‘No’, so that you don’t stretch yourself in too many directions. Know your limits and set boundaries so that you have a good balance in life. Take responsibility for maintaining a healthy work-life balance.
• Take 'time-out'. If you are getting nowhere in a heated discussion and you feel the warning signs of an angry outburst coming on, it's quite ok to say, "I don't think it's helpful for us to talk about this anymore right now, I need some time to think".
• Make sure you get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and have fun regularly. Also ensure you eat and drink healthily.
• Learn some relaxation and breathing techniques, assertiveness skills and meditation; they can be useful strategies, as can sport and all physical exercises, when you are trying to deal constructively with angry feelings.
• Try to look at the situation from different perspectives – for example if you can see the funny side of the situation, the anger will start to pass; humour is a great release and stress reliever!
• Try keeping an ‘Anger Diary’ for a week or so to see if there is a pattern to your anger. If you are regularly angry early in the morning, for example, you could look at changing your morning and bedtime routines.
Quotes
Anger is one letter short of danger ~ Author Unknown
If you kick a stone in anger, you'll hurt your own foot ~ Korean Proverb
No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched ~ George Jean Nathan
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness ~ James Thurber
Don't hold to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love ~ Leo Buscaglia
Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel ~ Author Unknown
10 Affirmations
Choose a short phrase that you can repeat to yourself when you find yourself becoming angry. For example:
• I replace my anger with a sense of calm
• I learn important lessons from my anger
• I can relax and go with the flow
• I can stay calm and relaxed
• I can control my anger
• I can cope with this
• I can let go of anger
• It’s ok to be angry
• Take it easy
• This will pass
Finally
Don’t struggle on your own. Ask for help and support. Speak to a counsellor if you'd like further support.
How anger management counselling may help:
• Looking at your beliefs attached to your anger, including beliefs of those around you during childhood
• Examining and understanding your anger
• Understanding how anger affects your close relationships
• Taking responsibility for how you react or respond to anger
• Learning how to relax
• Simply being listened to can make a big difference.
Finally, treat yourself with love, kindness and compassion and try to lead a gentler life - be gentler on yourself, as well as others.
Really good blog Ali.
ReplyDeleteAristotle was a wise man.
The sad thing I guess is that we are still learning these things all these centuries later!!
aw, thank you David :)
ReplyDelete- yes, we're still none the wiser when it comes to dealing with feelings and emotions, are we!