Best Laid Plans...

I’ve been feeling quite reflective now that December has arrived, and the year is almost over.

Thinking back to last December, I shake my head and smile at myself wryly – I was feeling so positive and optimistic, and so full of hope for the New Year about to begin – busily setting myself goals, compiling 'vision boards', and writing down a list of the key things I wanted to achieve during 2010. I was so determined that 2010 was going to be ‘my year’. It was going to be the year that I would finally get back on track after a tough few years following the death of my mum - including having to overcome several spanners that had been thrown in my direction ...

Unfortunately though, matters were taken entirely out of my hands after another completely unexpected and sudden bereavement in February. Vision boards, goals and the like were cast aside and forgotten about, as survival, and somehow getting through each day, became the only real concern for the rest of the year, as trauma after trauma rained down on me & my daughter relentlessly...

I am now breathing a big sigh of relief as the end of this ‘annus horribilis’ is now in sight – like a hopeful ray of light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. However, it hasn’t all been bad – we (Iona and I) have literally risen out of the ashes, intact and stronger than ever. I’m so proud of both of us for surviving what has been the worst year of our lives, for several different reasons. We have still managed to laugh and smile, despite the pain and anguish. Every day, we have found something to be thankful for, however small. We have refused to give up, and we have shown that we have more strength, more courage, than we could have ever dreamed was possible.

I have learned that it is possible to feel such pain, such sorrow, such fear, yet such joy and such a feeling of inner peace; all at the same time. It just goes to show how complex feelings are...

I have learned so much this year, and I’m grateful for that – obviously I would rather not have had to go through what I’ve been through, but everything happens for a reason, even if that reason doesn’t become apparent until a long time afterwards....

Anyway; back to today... Earlier today I was walking along by the sea, watching the waves crashing powerfully onto the snow and ice along the promenade. I felt really connected to the strength and force of nature (along with its gentler side). (In common with masculine and feminine energies, perhaps?) Also today, I’ve watched two flocks of geese fly over, and a flock of swans. It got me thinking that life is about survival. Despite adversity. Also, over the past few days I’ve been enjoying watching a little rock pipit coming into my garden to find food during the harsh winter weather. I feel a real sense of kindredness towards it – as if I can relate to what it’s like, trying to survive against the odds... Anyway – back to the sea. As I was walking along, trying to avoid being soaked by the waves, something inside me seemed to connect. Out of nowhere, my inner voice came booming out, loud and clear over the thundering waves...

‘You can achieve whatever you want to achieve!! Ok, this year has been tough, but you can make next year be so much better. You know you can. You’ve survived things you’d never dreamed you’d be able to survive. You have got what it takes. You just need to believe in yourself, be focussed and determined, and you can do it!!! You know you can. Make it happen!!! I am not prepared to go through yet another year of pain and struggle and hardship. You deserve so much better. We deserve so much better. Yes! Next year is going to be a good one! Don’t ever doubt yourself and your ability!!’

It felt so good to give myself a motivating pep talk! It highlights how true Carl Roger’s* philosophy is - that as unique individuals, we ourselves know best what is right for us. *(founder of the Person Centred Counselling approach).

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Tip: Give yourself time to connect with your inner voice – and really listen to what it has to say!!

Quote:

Learn the richness of solitude and quiet. That "still small voice" is yearning to be heard -

Susan Jeffers

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I think I'll end this post with  a quote I have probably included in a previous blog:

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.

by Mary Anne Radmacher

Time and time again, this quote has helped me through this year. It reminds me that however fragile & however afraid I am, I do have the courage to get through - even if the amount of courage I have sometimes feels smaller than a tiny whisper... It's amazing what a difference a few simple words can make!

Ok, well that's all for now...

Let’s make 2011 the best year yet!