So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Good-bye ~ 2010



Hello again!

I'm sitting here writing this blog in the midst of  the strange limbo land that is the week between Christmas Day and New Year. This week, I'm never quite sure what day it is, or what time it is, or what I should or shouldn't be eating and /or drinking. So far, since christmas dinner, I seem to have been surviving on a combination of liquorice, vegan chocolates, crisps and cold roast potatoes, along with the odd glass of mulled wine, buck's fizz and coca cola. I'm not even sure that I should be broadcasting this, what with me being a counsellor, but hey - it's christmas time, and I'm human, and it's surely ok to let go of all those 'shoulds' and 'shouldn'ts' at this time of year!

Christmas day was a lovely, simple affair. It started with the most gorgeous sunrise,^ and was rounded off with games of trivial pursuits and the like, in the evening. Hope you had a lovely day too...

Christmas is not as much about opening our presents as opening our hearts

~ Janice Maeditere

Now I'm feeling quite reflective. I'm glad that this year is almost over, and I'm filled with hope for the new year about to begin. I'm aware that I have spent a lot of time struggling through 2010, but it hasn't all been bad. In fact there have been some really happy times, despite the fact that it's been such a challenging year. So I decided to write a list of 10 highlights of the year - it's nice to remember the good times! Maybe you could do something similar? If you do, please feel free to share your list! Here's mine:

My 10 Highlights of 2010:

In no particular order...

1. Learning to play my ukulele! ^

2. Doing lots of baking! ^

3. Being so proud of Iona passing her GCSEs! ^

4. Some lovely days out in the summer ^

5. Maximo Park, at Split Festival

6. Being creative. Writing quite a bit, and taking lots of photos :-)

7. Lovely intimate Paul Smith gig, at RPM

8. Kendal Calling festival - definitely worth another visit! ^

9. Getting through what has been the most challenging year of my life. Learning so much, as a result...

10. Iona starting 6th form, and seeing her blossom more every day, and being so proud of her, and enjoying every moment of her being a teenager! ^

All in all, I have so much to be grateful for!

Gratitude is the memory of the heart ~

Jean Baptiste Massieu, translated from French

If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice

 ~ Meister Eckhart

Let's continue to be grateful for all the opportunities that come our way in 2001...

Merry Christmas!



'Twas the Night before Christmas'

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tinny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

We're bloody marvellous!...

I went to see a film last night, at the lovely Star and Shadow cinema, in Newcastle  

(http://www.starandshadow.org.uk/)

This is a little clip; it might very well  become my personal mantra!

The film, A Taste of Honey, was the first play by Shelagh Delaney; written when she was 18. It was first intended as a novel, but she turned it into a play as she hoped to revitalise British theatre and to address social issues that she felt weren't being presented at the time.

 Set in Manchester in the 1950s, the film comments on, and highlights, issues such as class, race, gender and sexual orientation, as well as teenage pregnancy.

Filmed in black and white, which adds an extra layer of depth and meaning, most of the shots are simply beautiful. Many are well worthy of being framed as still images - each picture able to tell its own story. There are also some beautiful lines; some quotations and near-quotations have been used by The Smiths and Morrisey, who is a big fan of the film.

"i dreamt about you last night and i fell out of bed twice" 

Thoroughly recommended!

Simple Things...

 

Each day is full of opportunites to find happiness in the simple things.

To love and be loved,

To share a smile...

To watch the sunshine peek out from behind a cloud...

To 'live out loud'...

To feel the wind on our skin...

To hear birds sing

And children laugh.

To smell our favourite smells;

Salty sea air

warm bread

fresh flowers...

So count the minutes, not the hours...

Make the most of every single day;

And make time to balance work 

with play...

Another haiku for you...

I'm not wanting to contradict myself, regarding what I've just written in my previous blog - but here's another  festive haiku!

Christmas lights twinkling,

And, by the busy market,

A robin; singing. 

Bah humbug ?!...

 

  "In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you." 

 - Deepak Chopra

 

An appropriate little quote for today I think, as people are no doubt rushing around Christmas shopping and the like... 

I feel quite distanced from the hustle and bustle of it all, as I won't be doing any of that this year... I've stepped back from all the commercialism;  I've taken a stand against consumerism, and I'm just not taking part in it all. This year, Christmas Day is going to be about me and Iona having a relaxing day, maybe watching a dvd, hopefully having a nice dinner, but mainly just having a reflective, chilled out day.

Partly it is out of necessity - I simply haven't got the money to buy anything, and I'm up to the limit on my credit card, so that isn't an option. Also, my family has shrunk to the extent that it feels that there are just the two of us now, and the main thing is that this year it's going to be quite a sober affair, as it's the first Christmas without Iona's dad. So it really is going to be a 'stripped back to the basics' kind of thing, but I'm quite looking forward to it, I think - albeit in quite a tentaive way.... I'm looking forward to baking, making sweets, maybe making creative little token presents for each other... It's going to be very different to previous Christmases, but it's quite liberating to realise that it doesn't have to be about spending far too much money, getting into debt, and getting far too stressed out. 

Maybe it's time we all had a rethink about what Christmas really means to us, as individuals. 

Make it simple; make it matter.  

Above all, make sure you press the 'pause button' of life every now and then, so that you can breathe, relax and take stock - especially over the next couple of weeks leading up to the festivities...

At the end of the day, Christmas should be about spending quality time with people we love -and that is exactly what I'll be doing.

 

Snow-go

After two and a half weeks of snow and ice, it's finally beginning to melt! I usually love the snow, but to be honest, I'm glad it's finally beginning to go - I was starting to feel a bit trapped by it - scared to go out by car, but even more scared to go out on foot, as I'm not a good ice-skater at the best of times, and as I've already fractured my coccyx previously (falling down stairs -  a long time ago!), I certainly didn't want to risk fracturing anything else... It must be even more frightening for the elderly & vulnerable though...

Anyway, now that the conditions outside aren't so much of a distraction, I can start to focus on other things again. One thing that's struck me today (when I avert my thoughts from the shambles that is the government, along with the fact that my daughter's chances of going to uni now are practically zilch...) is the fact that we're already more than a week into December, but I'm not feeling at all festive - which is quite out of character for me.

Thinking back to previous years, previous blogs, I remember one December I did a daily festive haiku blog throughout December. Well I'm not going to inflict that on you again, but I think I might do the occasional sporadic seasonal haiku and photo - to try to get me in the festive mood, if nothing else...

So here goes - a couple of haikus for today (some of you might have seen these before, as they've been recycled from my previous blogs, etc, but maybe not the photos):

As sunshine returns

I'm soothed by the drip, drip, drip

Of the melting snow



Squirts of de-icer;

Frost melting before my eyes

As I drive away





Love this...

Sometimes I listen to a song, and it seems to sum up perfectly just how I'm feeling at that moment.  Yesterday, I was listening to Io Canto by Craig Armstrong and it really did echo my feelings.

I thought I'd post a video of it, but after listening to this one, I thought I'd share this instead.

It's beautiful and almost dreamlike...

  

When I come across something I like, I like to share it - whether it's a photo, poem, quote, song, or whatever...

Best Laid Plans...

I’ve been feeling quite reflective now that December has arrived, and the year is almost over.

Thinking back to last December, I shake my head and smile at myself wryly – I was feeling so positive and optimistic, and so full of hope for the New Year about to begin – busily setting myself goals, compiling 'vision boards', and writing down a list of the key things I wanted to achieve during 2010. I was so determined that 2010 was going to be ‘my year’. It was going to be the year that I would finally get back on track after a tough few years following the death of my mum - including having to overcome several spanners that had been thrown in my direction ...

Unfortunately though, matters were taken entirely out of my hands after another completely unexpected and sudden bereavement in February. Vision boards, goals and the like were cast aside and forgotten about, as survival, and somehow getting through each day, became the only real concern for the rest of the year, as trauma after trauma rained down on me & my daughter relentlessly...

I am now breathing a big sigh of relief as the end of this ‘annus horribilis’ is now in sight – like a hopeful ray of light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. However, it hasn’t all been bad – we (Iona and I) have literally risen out of the ashes, intact and stronger than ever. I’m so proud of both of us for surviving what has been the worst year of our lives, for several different reasons. We have still managed to laugh and smile, despite the pain and anguish. Every day, we have found something to be thankful for, however small. We have refused to give up, and we have shown that we have more strength, more courage, than we could have ever dreamed was possible.

I have learned that it is possible to feel such pain, such sorrow, such fear, yet such joy and such a feeling of inner peace; all at the same time. It just goes to show how complex feelings are...

I have learned so much this year, and I’m grateful for that – obviously I would rather not have had to go through what I’ve been through, but everything happens for a reason, even if that reason doesn’t become apparent until a long time afterwards....

Anyway; back to today... Earlier today I was walking along by the sea, watching the waves crashing powerfully onto the snow and ice along the promenade. I felt really connected to the strength and force of nature (along with its gentler side). (In common with masculine and feminine energies, perhaps?) Also today, I’ve watched two flocks of geese fly over, and a flock of swans. It got me thinking that life is about survival. Despite adversity. Also, over the past few days I’ve been enjoying watching a little rock pipit coming into my garden to find food during the harsh winter weather. I feel a real sense of kindredness towards it – as if I can relate to what it’s like, trying to survive against the odds... Anyway – back to the sea. As I was walking along, trying to avoid being soaked by the waves, something inside me seemed to connect. Out of nowhere, my inner voice came booming out, loud and clear over the thundering waves...

‘You can achieve whatever you want to achieve!! Ok, this year has been tough, but you can make next year be so much better. You know you can. You’ve survived things you’d never dreamed you’d be able to survive. You have got what it takes. You just need to believe in yourself, be focussed and determined, and you can do it!!! You know you can. Make it happen!!! I am not prepared to go through yet another year of pain and struggle and hardship. You deserve so much better. We deserve so much better. Yes! Next year is going to be a good one! Don’t ever doubt yourself and your ability!!’

It felt so good to give myself a motivating pep talk! It highlights how true Carl Roger’s* philosophy is - that as unique individuals, we ourselves know best what is right for us. *(founder of the Person Centred Counselling approach).

~~~

Tip: Give yourself time to connect with your inner voice – and really listen to what it has to say!!

Quote:

Learn the richness of solitude and quiet. That "still small voice" is yearning to be heard -

Susan Jeffers

~~~

I think I'll end this post with  a quote I have probably included in a previous blog:

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow.

by Mary Anne Radmacher

Time and time again, this quote has helped me through this year. It reminds me that however fragile & however afraid I am, I do have the courage to get through - even if the amount of courage I have sometimes feels smaller than a tiny whisper... It's amazing what a difference a few simple words can make!

Ok, well that's all for now...

Let’s make 2011 the best year yet!



Riding on the storm - or trying to....

I'm feeling quite fragile again today - probably because it would have been my mum's birthday... So much has changed since she died... I feel like I've had one loss after another - and every new loss brings back the pain of previous losses. So it's very much a case of going gently today...

I tried writing down how I feel, but I feel such a complex mix of emotions, that I can't seem to capture it accurately on paper... but here goes - this is what I came up with - it doesn't seem to flow very well... but I guess that's how life is - it doesn't always flow smoothly, does it?...

Riding the Storm

Huge foamy white waves

Crash around

In the stormy sea

Echoing the waves

Of emotions

Thrashing around

In me.

But I know the storm won't last.

The waves of turbulence will eventually pass

And I’ll smile once more.
With a strength as strong as
The ocean's
Powerful roar...

Universally Challenged...

Over the years, I've come to realise that 'life is hard', as it says in Peck's book 'The Road Less Travelled'. It's a series of challenges - hard lessons to be learned - along with a few (well quite a lot, actually) nice bits woven in between. The more challenges I have been sent, the more I realise that it's the little everyday occurrences that bring about a real sense of happiness, despite the hard times.

If you read my blog / twitter / facebook pages regularly you probably know me well enough by now to know what makes me happy. But I'll reiterate some of these things anyway, because talking (writing) about happy things makes me happy. So do clouds, rainbows, raindrops, flowers, colours, ukuleles, blankets, wellies, puddles, donkeys, cats, smiles, and lots more... 

But it's those challenging times that I want to write about today. And goodness knows, I've had lots of experience of challenging times - including several bereavements (2 of which were very sudden and traumatic) divorce, house repossession, family problems, conflict, financial problems, and so on...

For some of life's challenges, such as the above, it's a case of accepting that it's going to be a long process, working through the loss or whatever it is, and coping with the vast spectrum of emotions. It's about having faith, courage, hope, patience, persistence, strength, and whatever else you can muster up. However, sometimes it's the small, unexpected little everyday niggles that really take the wind out of my sails...

Take today and yesterday, for example.I had two nasty encounters - one with a neighbour yesterday, and yet another run in with the secretary of the allotment committee today. Both events really upset me and left me in a fragile state for several hours afterwards. 'Why?' I kept asking myself. 'Why am I letting these people get to me so much?' - I'm a peace-loving, quiet, gentle, sensitive type, and I hate confrontations of any kind. It really upset me that I couldn't just put these experiences out of my mind, let go and move on. Then I reflected on the type of people these two individuals are. Aggressive, bullying, cold, narrow minded and insensitive.

Then it dawned on me. Love and compassion are two of the important principles that I integrate into my daily life - intertwined with the reiki ideals. It dawned on me that if I was able to send reiki to the situation, along with love and compassion, it might somehow help. And of course, it did.

I imagined what it must be like to be these two individuals, apparently lacking in love and compassion, and I was able to actually feel empathy for them - and compassion. And I realised that I need to have compassion for myself too, and that I needed to give myself permission to step back and go gently with the flow. After all, I'm still fragile and in the process of coming to terms with one of the bigger challenges of life (several actually), so no wonder the smaller incidents had such an impact on me, Plus, we'd just scattered some of Micky's ashes on Sunday, so my emotions were already quite raw today and yesterday anyway...

Yes; love, compassion, and TLC are what I need right now, and it's my responsibility to make sure I give myself these things...

And so to end this blog, here's an apt quote from the Dalai Lama:

'In dealing with those who are undergoing great suffering, if you feel "burnout" setting in, if you feel demoralized and exhausted, it is best, for the sake of everyone, to withdraw and restore yourself. The point is to have a long-term perspective.'

Autumn days, when the grass is jewelled...

I love this time of year! - The crisp bright mornings, the fiery blazes of colour, the rustling, crunching sounds, the big fat raindrops, the blustery wind, bright scarves and mittens, warm jumpers, candlelight, cosy nights in, the lovely damp earthy smells, mulled wine, baking, berries on trees, bonfires, wellies, puddles - the list could go on and on, but I'll stop now before I get too carried away!

"Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all."

- Stanley Horowitz

Today was especially lovely - the sky was so blue, the air so clean, the sun shining so cheerfully - and everything was so still and serene... I took all the photos in this post this afternoon, around Ouseburn (Newcastle upon Tyne). Here are some more:

river of clouds! ^

^ Ten green bottles ...

owls about that then? ^

'under the bridge' ^

I have always preferred the reflection of the life to life itself  ~ Francois Truffaut

 ^ '...Been caught in the middle...' 

^ 'pinky blue'

^ '... wave goodbye' ...

♥

Bag lady ♥



I love all the different colours in these photos!

 

Graffiti...

I must point out that most of these photos were taken by Iona ~ a link to her blog is at the side, in the 'blogs i read' section

I'm always drawn to graffiti - I really like the brightly coloured pictures that brighten up the edges of cities and suburbs ... sometimes though, it's the words that are really powerful...

The above pictures were taken down a little alley - both walls are covered in writing, & the more we looked at it, the more certain words jumped out. One day when we've got more time, we're going to read the whole lot..

 

 

This (above) was written on a pavement in another part of the city centre. I felt quite sorry for Paul, who was for some reason, on the outside. It reminded me of a poem I wrote a couple of years ago:

 Always ... Or Sometimes?

 Always on the outside

Looking in.

Wanting to be part of it

But not quite fitting in.

Listening, watching

But not sure what to say.

Words don't come easily to me;

It's just my way.

Feeling awkward, self conscious and

Shy.

I feel so different

But I'm not sure 

Why.

I try to accept that we can't all be the same;

But being a loner

Is a lonely game...

                          (Sometimes)...

 

.... I wanted to finish with someting more positive! ^